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Books

School for Sadists
Richard Parker
Just some crappy jerk-off book from the 70s. It's nowhere near good. It's not interesting or arousing. It ain't even funny. It was written by an idiot without imagination or even the ability to convey his dreary, unimaginative vision. Anyone who's gone through puberty – even a retard – could write something sexier.

School for Sadists: A Torso Fever Audiobook
Read by Cookie, Dan Sobel, Prince Fancy, Echotron 5000, Zoltan the Menace, Little Timmy Pidgkin, Pepe, Luke Sorenson, Lite Rock Hits, Torgo, and Paul Frank
But this, this is good. It's our first audiobook project, but you wouldn't know it from the quality of the reading. The complete project is now available as MP3s. We have yet to decide whether more audio books will be recorded, though once you hear these you'll beg us to. Perhaps the Bible?
   Intro/Foreword (1.2M)
   Chapter One (16.1M)
   Chapter Two (17.4M)
   Chapter Three (13.5M)

Mr. Wilson's Cabinet of Wonder
Lawrence Weschler
All is not lost. The Museum of Jurassic Technology (mjt.org) is the only reason to ever enter Los Angeles.

The Calvin & Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book
Bill Watterson
Next to Mary Worth, Calvin & Hobbes was the best newspaper comic ever. Get this for the short essays by Watterson, especially the one concerning his battle to keep the characters from being commercially licensed.

Lord of the Barnyard
Tristan Egolf
One kid versus an entire town. To the death. It's a great fight.

Martian Time-Slip
Philip K. Dick
Much of PKD's work is great, but this is one of the best. If you're unfamiliar with his writing, start with Ubik or The Man in the High Castle.

Society of the Spectacle
Guy Debord
"Spectators are linked only by a one-way relationship to the very center that maintains their isolation from one another. The spectacle thus unites what is separate, but it unites it only in its separateness." Razor-sharp analysis of the self-defined visual form that has usurped reality. The stinking reek of French intellectualism saturates every page, but Debord's prose is so concisely written that it's almost lyrical. Studying up on your Marxism beforehand will prove helpful. Global village? MY ASS.

The Moral Animal
Robert Wright
An introduction to evolutionary psychology, the most convincing explanation of human behavior. Sure, it's just a theory, but it's exciting to see the pieces lock into place, one by one. Scientologists must feel that way all the time.

Toxic Psychiatry
Peter Breggin
Complete demolition of the biological model of mental illness. Other more recent books by Breggin specifically address particular psychiatric drugs such as Ritalin and Prozac, but this is a great overview. Also see his website: breggin.com.

Future Primitive
John Zerzan
The title essay details everything wonderful about humanity that's been lost during the transition into domesticated life. The also-excellent "Mass Psychology of Misery" interprets growing generalized malaise as a natural response to the dehumanizing effect of the industrial society within which it thrives. Many of Zerzan's essential essays are available at primitivism.com. Yes, we are aware of the irony of a web archive of anti-technology writing. You're very clever for noticing.

Codex Seraphinianus
Luigi Serafini
An encyclopedia of an entire world that doesn't exist. Torso Fever maintains a massive library under 24-hour armed guard that contains only this book. A good library (of the university variety, perhaps?) might have it. If you're rich, buy a copy. You can find images from it on the internet, but its power can't be realized except as a complete object.

How to Print T-Shirts for Fun and Profit
Scott Fresener
Because, hell, screenprinting is easy. Despite its asinine title, this is the best book on garment screnprinting. It'll take half an afternoon (a "halfternoon", if you will) to get the parts and assemble a one-color press. Then you can be as famous and prosperous as us.

Music

Off the Chain for the Y2K
DJ Assault
Sourpuss bitches hate ghettotech. And hipsters used to love it because they read in one of their $16.95 magazines that it was the Next Big Thing. We saw DJ Assault a couple times in New York, and except for our crew, both places were filled with cool fuckers wearing black clothes and thin smiles and nodding their heads like they knew what was going on. Not dancing, just nodding, nodding, nodding... Presumably they've moved on to something cooler by now. Ghettotech plays in the Torso Fever collective unconscious 24 hours a day, commercial-free.

Doggystyle
Snoop Doggy Dogg
Somehow, someway, he keeps coming up with funky-ass shit like every single day. Hey, just like us! We keep coming up with funky-ass shit every single day, too! Is there a track on this album that isn't as fresh as the first time you heard it? The answer is "No," my friend. Because there ain't no denyin'. And if you say, "Yes," you're lyin'. If you care about anything, download (4.4M) this cover of "Gin and Juice" a friend passed us a couple years ago. (It ain't the gay-ass guitar version by Phish or Blues Traveler or whoever.) We don't know any of the production details, but it's genius. Pump it from your Kia.

Bone Machine
Tom Waits
Better than everything.

Chocolate and Cheese
Ween
Ween initially comes across as two guys having a really fun time fucking around, and it kinda is. But they're so good at it – they're such skilled songwriters and musicians – that it never wears thin. Every one of their albums is a tight package, and though the production values improve with every release, the great music and juvenile but smart sense of humor always shine through. Ween will last forever, and that's a mighty long time. This album is the perfect introduction, combining tight production with solid brownness. Don't stop here, though. Keep buying the rest of their albums, and after each one, proclaim loudly to no one in particular, "Fuck! It's all so fucking good!"

Selected Ambient Works 85-92
Aphex Twin
Classic. How much ten-year-old dance music is still tolerable, nevermind beautiful? For the sake of comparison, C+C Music Factory's Gonna Make You Sweat came out in 1990. Granted, that group was a sack of crap from day one; I'm just sayin'...

Sheet One
Plastikman
You think you know acid? I don't think you know acid.

Put Yo Hood Up
Lil Jon & the Eastside Boyz
Crunk is music to pop a pussy to. It's music to kick the fucking shit out of someone to. Crunk is the new official music of Torso Fever. The lyrics ain't gonna be etched in history, but if you're stupid enough to think that hip-hop is always about the lyrics, then you've already lost. Crunk is about iced out gear, 24-inch rims, hustlin', pimpin', lung-exploding bass, and various alcoholic beverages including Grey Goose, Hennessy, and Hpnotiq. Like ghettotech, one of its benefits is that feminists hate it. I was once trapped by a scabby, dried-up feminist at a house party around 2 a.m. after rambling about DJ Assault's "Ass 'n' Titties" and asked, "Why would you choose to listen to music that degrades women?" After pissing on a corner of their living room carpet, I left those smart intellectuals to their intelligent jungle music. Bitches.

It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
Public Enemy
The best rap album of all time. Okay, tied with Totally Krossed Out by Kris Kross. GOD DAMN IT, why can't it be cool to dress like that again? Hey, if you ever make it to the TF compound, will you put all your clothes on backwards, then roll up blaring Totally Krossed Out from your ride? Man, that'd be awesome. High fives and free beer.

Nigga Please
Ol' Dirty Bastard
A hero and idol. Dirty's totally unstructured and bizarre rhyming scheme surpasses any new school rapper's freestyle or even the deliberate, obsessive weirdness of Kool Keith. ODB is hard proof that massive drug intake can be an effective creative tool. Unfortunately, that drug intake (particularly, crack) eventually led to his imprisonment in 2001. Since his release on parole, he's apparently remained clean, but his music has suffered for it, as evidenced by his appearance on the Neptunes-produced "Pop Shit". His delivery adheres tightly to the cadence prescribed by the beat and it sounds like he's reading directly from a lyric sheet. We still love Dirty – love him huge – so we eagerly await his release from parole in November 2004. He'll probably be apprehensive about returning to illegal drug use, but it's the only path back to legendary rapper status. Do it for the kids, Dirt.

Video

Koyaanisqatsi
(film)
The kind of film that can move a person to tears of loss, seeing the glittering soullessness of industrial life. The only audio is Philip Glass's score and each scene is an ideally composed moving photograph. Gorgeous, deft, and almost too beautiful to make a point. Perfect and wonderful.

Road House
(film)
Patrick Swayze stars as a hairdo named Dalton. He's a cooler – that's basically a head bouncer in charge, for you uncultured morons who don't already know – hired to clean up the Double Deuce bar. Well, he does, but along the way there may or may not be some steamy boot-knockin', battles against evil forces, and, if you look real hard, life-altering moral lessons. The dialogue is the real star, however, and instead of ruining the experience by giving away choice lines, we simply urge you to pay the low, low purchase price to enjoy it forever and ever. Please.

Mr. Show
(television)
Holy crap, the funniest American sketch comedy. Owning all the Mr. Show episodes on tape used to be a mark of incredible suavity to those in the know, not unlike sipping a 25-year-old Macallan without making a big deal about it. Now the first three seasons (of four) are available on DVD, and I guess it's good to bring it to the people, but folks don't seem to stop by the TF compound so much anymore. Have a look-see at bobanddavid.com for current projects of the series' creators.

The Prisoner
(television)
It only lasted seventeen episodes, but it's a brilliant and entertaining examination of control and the illusory struggle for freedom. A former British secret agent is kidnapped to a remote area called The Village, renamed Number Six, and interrogated by various bizarre and nefarious methods as to the reason for his resignation. Every episode he resists, yet he is unable to escape.

Mystery Science Theater 3000
(television)
Joel Hodgson: "We never say, 'Who's gonna get this?' We always say, 'The right people will get this.'" The show changed little from it's inception on cable access in Minnesota to its ten-year tenure on Comedy Cnetral and Sci-Fi Channel. Watching just a single episode, it's clear that the writers are a group of funny, intelligent, curious smartasses. When MST was cancelled, it felt like a friend moved away. You can download ENTIRE FUCKING EPISODES (to a PC or OSX Mac only) from Digital Archive Project. Also bow down before Satellite News ("The Official MST3K Info Club Web Site"). If there's a television show to get obsessive about and make insider references to so frequently that it becomes confusing and awkward to those around you who aren't thoroughly familiar with it, it's this one.

The Three Stooges
(television)
Oh, you've already heard of them? Curly's physical comedy was brilliant, but remember the hilarious scene in "An Ache in Every Stake" (where they're the ice delivery men) when he's shaving the ice and making small talk to it, distractedly asking questions like, "So, are you married or happy?" It's really funny, huh? You can watch it on RealPlayer in ExtremelySmallVision™ by going to threestooges.net and selecting it from the pull-down menu. Or just borrow it from the library.

People

Ross MacDonald
see ross-macdonald.com and Another Perfect Day
Brilliant illustrator, letterpress printer, family man, streetfighter, and now children's book author. Ross is as close as you're gonna get to a true Renaissance man.

James Victore
see jamesvictore.com
"Open 23 Hours"

Omatic Design
see omaticdesign.com
The studio responsible for the illustrations of the shirt outlines we use all over this bleedin' site. You like 'em? Yeah, you should. They cost us $700 each. Over 300 TF staffers, and not one can even draw a stick.

A.G. Rizzoli
see A.G. Rizzoli: Architect of Magnificent Visions
Rizzoli lived his entire life in the house of this mother, who he took care of until her death. Even after that, he continued to sleep in a cot at the foot of her bed. He left the house only for work (as a draftsman) and church. The rest of the time, he worked on a collection of precise architectural renderings that comprised the YTTE (Yield To Total Elation) utopia, many of which were representations of people he knew, especially his mother. He created a world, and few saw it before his death.

Joan Miro
see Fundacio Joan Miro or their retrospective, Joan Miro 1893-1993, or search moma.org
Even his simplest compositions exude so much joy and wonder that it's impossible not to smile. His paintings are like rolling down a grassy hill on a sunny day with no one else around, not caring what time or day it is.

Henry Darger
see Henry Darger: Art and Selected Writings by Michael Bonesteel
If you're gonna do something, do it to death. That's what Darger did with his 15,000 page opus, The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, Caused by the Child Slave Rebellion, accompanied by many illustrations, some of them 12 feet long and double-sided. No one knew about it while he was alive, and there's no evidence that he cared.

Tom Friedman
see Tom Friedman
Simple ideas using mundane materials executed with obsessive attention to detail, such as signing his name with a blue ballpoint pen repeatedly in a perfect inward spiral until it runs out of ink.

Jim Woodring
see The Book of Jim and jimwoodring.com

Pavel Tchelitchew
specifically, see Hide and Seek, Phenomena, and Fata Morgana
You can find mediocre reproductions of his magnificent paintings in a less-than-mediocre biography titled The Divine Comedy of Pavel Tchelitchew by Parker Tyler. (It reads like it was written by a snotty Englishman who wore his silk top hat and monocle even at the typewriter.) Psychedelic art wishes it could be this evocative, but these were all created around the 1930s and 40s, for the love of god! I first saw Hide and Seek in full 78"x84" form at the Museum of Modern Art during one part of an exhibition called Making Choices. Returning another day and seeing it nowhere, I asked a wandering docent where it was. After informing me the painting had been removed to storage for the second part of the exhibition, he added that it was a favorite among the security guards and SMIRKED. So what? What's that smirk mean, you elitist fuck? Sadly, it's now no one's favorite because it's only on display inside the seven-foot asshole of a smug docent who used to work at the MoMA. The security guards and I think that's really funny. Funny enough to bring a smirk to our faces.

Mark Ryden
see Anima Mundi and markryden.com
Oooooooohhhhhh, it KILLS us - stabs the collective Torso Fever heart - that he recently collaborated with Paul Frank! Oh! Cute 70s-style iconography on a cute bag! Oh! That's so, er, cute! I love it! You know what else I love? Dead hipsters! Paul Frank is the reason knives are mandatory when travelling outside the TF compound. His head in a box gets you a free set of all Torso Fever shirts (please include your choice of colors and size with the head).

Okay, you wanna know the partics on our rabid anti-Paul Frankness? Remember, you asked... Basically, we hate his design because it is absolutely palatable. It is so inoffensive, so utterly insipid, that it might as well not exist at all. And that is where the appeal lies for fans of Paul Frank. The total lack of inherent character in his work provokes subconscious projections from the viewer, thereby personalizing what is otherwise meaningless and dead, and creating personal value. It says nothing, so it can say anything; hence its universal appeal. That appeal allows the survival of moronic slogans like, "I'm a weenie... dog, that is!" because the whole brand is already accepted as valid or hip so its offspring receive the same classification by default since their vapidness defies any differentiation from the remaining body on the basis of individual variation, because there is none. There is no attempt at cleverness, charm, affront, beauty, or wit. There is nothing. It's crap. It's the worst kind of crap, because it aspires to be nothing, and it should burn.

Hey, man, you asked.

Places

The Moon
see the night sky

Stay off it. It's ours now.

© 2003-2004 Torso Fever